HOLA! I am Cheska. And I need a BIG favor from you:)

I'm gonna need for you to reply to this blog entry and answer the following questions properly. Your answers will be needed for me to pass one of my major subjects. So in short, my life depends on you. If you are a very caring, considerate person, you'd be able to gather your thoughts and answer these simple questions. If you want me to beg for you to answer these questions, tell me so that I can do so (Lol. But actually, I'm kind of serious about that. Lol again.). Please please please help me pass my major course. Thank you very much!

what are radical ways used by adolescents to exercise activism?

how do you, as an adolescent, help promote activism?

what motivates an adolescent to practice nationalism?

how do we, as adolescents, advocate idealism? 

what are some of the ways adolescents exemplify idealism?

how do adolescents express their idealistic views and notions?

how do adolescents mobilize activism for our country?

P.S. If you're going to answer this survey (and I know that you will), please answer them all.

P.P.S. If I don't see a reply and you viewed this homepage, I suggest you hire a bodyguard :P

THANK YOU!

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music

And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

And suppose I never met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall

All my friends say that of course its gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better
Better better better

I never love nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting by heart truly
I got lost
In the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind
All this music
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart
Breaks my
Heart
Breaks my heart
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am in over my head that I ever thought we would last through the winter. With this goodbye, I signal light to you everything that I have ever felt. And in these emotions, I sit here wanting for more. Waiting for the slightest hint of hope in your eyes. But nothing was found. Souless nights were to be confounded without your embrace. Triumphant disasters would be celebrating. And thus the angels have witnessed yet another beating. So I bid you farewell my lover. Nonetheless I shall falter for in this supposed to be endless bliss, I fuck up everything.

Ich Vermisse Diche.

Most would say that whatever the reason for the unfathomable event caused the so called collapse of the nation. Nobody would really blame anyone but rather run for their pathetic lives. Assuming that nobody would judge you this time around, you join the crowd and blend in with their unfashionable ways. Call it cowardice or what not, you made a choice. Even the people who said they didn't have a choice, made a choice by not having a choice. Unclear as it may be, my eyes are dragging me to the ground, my mind's staring blankly at the wall and my legs are sore as hell. How was I to know that the intention was wrong? Give me room to speak because no matter what you say, it's always the people who stay with you until daylight comes that should matter. In the sense that I made a choice to always stick to what I personally think would suit the situation best. Was this all I wanted and more? Would this actually benefit the people who does matter? If I say no, would you pretend to rule the nation?

Serenity is hard to find.

I haven't had the slightest idea what's going on. But now, I know what I did was out of sheer cowardice. I don't know. Defense mechanism surely. There's nothing to hold us now. You've actually managed to make it loud and clear to me even without words. I know and I get it. I'm doing my part now. I hope everything works out the way you want it to. I still love you though. And that'll be a very hard thing for me to take away. What's been taken away from me when we were still, had again, caught me. No surprise there. I still and will think about you even it means all sorts of stuff. I don't know. I'm just really dumbfounded right now. I can't say the right words to say right now. Don't think about me. I'm fine, really. I just hope you are happy.

I know you'll meet someone better, but would still think of me. If she can hold you like I did, would you run back to me?

A chance, another one. Worth all the disturbances. Worth every tear that dropped my bed. Worth all the pain I've been keeping away from you. And as I lay here thinking about what's been said and done. I crawl into my happy place. Lighting a smoke, I reminisced the past. What have I done? Did i actually do something wrong to you to deserve this shitload of pain? More than what is the norm I say. I don't regret it. I'd be a damn hypocrite if I'd tell you I regretted that night happening. A part was broken, but it wasn't actually whole in the first place.

Don't you tell me that I'd be better off, sleeping by myself and wondering if I'm better off without you.

Trying to sleep it off. No matter how hard I try to deny what I have felt, I fail because I deserve to. But how has this affected us I ask. I don't know. I'd like to think we're actually okay. Just like the way we were back then. I crack a smile as I remember us sitting in front of a building for almost 3 hours, doing nothing but stare into each other's soul. What has time done good for us?

This isn't just a thing that you give up.

Believe me, I wasn't aware at first what was happening. I thought everything was okay. Calling you from outside, I stood there frozen because of what I have heard from the other end of the line. Rain pouring on my face as i walk out and bid farewell. And as the rain poured even more, my tears came flashing down competing with the rain. Walking away from what has happened, I lost it. Stumbling down didn't help me fix myself. Losing money wasn't a part of the game also. Staggering for my breath, I stood outside the green house to think clearly. I had to call you and ask for you one more time. Hearing you again, felt so good. But it broke my heart to actually hear happiness from you even as I go down. I couldn't believe it. I had to slap myself to actually breathe again. Walking away further, I gather up the courage to actually sit. Shivering from the cold, hard rain, I realize what has been done.

Before you pass me by.

YOU win. I hope you're happy.

It is just so sad how anything as low as that can break someone's spirit. I never meant to harm anyone. I just wanted to feel something. Feel as if these were the last days of my life. Don't I deserve that after all I've been through? The fact that I was competing for your attention made me weak. I shouldn't be competing for such because that's already supposed to be given. I still can't believe I gave up. You are too strong to compete with. And I have been dumb as hell to actually think that I was above you. Really now. I hope you're happy as hell. Seriously. 'Cause I'm not. And you know what?

Suddenly, I wasn't enough.

A lot has happened since last month. Well actually, since summer. But i opt to not talk about them. I prefer savoring THE moments. I choose to ignore the bad things for in them, I choke you up. Seeing and actually feeling you push me away drives me nuts. No matter how hard I try to deny to myself that feeling, it catches up on me. I have been psychotic in a sense, but the only thing I ask for is to not blame me for all of those days. It's a two-way street. You have to understand that there are just some things that you wouldn't actually understand about me. Just like how you asked me to understand yours. I've been dealing with a lot lately. Suprisingly, I'm not the person I used to be in high school. A lot of the people in my high school would actually be shocked when they see me now. Honestly speaking, the worse part about myself when i was still in st. paul is that I always cover up and pretend to my forget all of my problems. No one would actually know I have problem unless I tell them. More often than not, I tell my problems to my friends. My real friends. And I love them so much for actually helping me go through high school. Without them, I wouldn't be the person I am today. And I am actually sorry, very sorry, for all of the reunions I've missed and spoiled. And the funny thing about my friends, even as I sit here alone, not seeing them in a regular basis, they'd still be excited to see me. And that's what I love about them. But YOU matter to me because you took away that painful part of me. You made me feel like a normal person again. Letting my emotions run through my veins actually feels good. And no matter how hard i try to look away, you hold my face and kiss my fears away. I thought fairytales are for children. I was wrong. I found out fantasies can really be turned to reality. And you know what?

I love you:)

Pretty self-explanatory.

Can you see me right there below? I'm the one with the number four on my back with the strap thing. Haha. Yeah I miss the sportsfests in St. Paul. The good ol' days yessiree.

So physics is such a hassle. But that won't stop phyics from ruining my life right so what the hell. Haha. Anyway, I am on the verge of spontaneous combustion. Oh yeah Incubus. Hahaha. Why the frack am I so malabo right now? Oh and yeah, tomorrow's Valentine's day. I'm still on the edge with that because I can't seem to find a way to go to mega mall and buy the thing for the yeah, nevermind. Haha. Mega mall is for poooo. Nevermind again. I'm eating popcorn and I am ready to be scolded yet again by my dentist come appointment day. Lol. Ayaw ko na. Gagawa na ako ng homeworks.

So I guess a better way to start the year is to screw up. Bad. Nevermind. Actually, I'm trying this new thing where I don't give a shit and people would just leave me alone. Lately, I've been having these internal outbursts. You know the type where you would just sit down somewhere and think how crappy you are. Then you fight the urge to kill yourself and just cry it all out. Then you find someone to lean on. Someone who can understand you and can accept you for who you really are no matter how you present yourself to him or her. I just want to feel like someone's going to catch me if ever I'm going to fall. The feeling of security and pure love. It may actually seem like people don't need someone to rely on to but reality is that we need at least one person to care for us. Because if no one really cares about you, then why the hell are you still living? The answer is simple. Everyone has his or her own purpose of living. We might say that no one really cares for us but you'll never know the truth behind that facade. Never be stuck on grasping for the truth and chasing dreams. Fight for it. Because no matter how people might judge you. It's nothing compared to sweet victory.

p.s. Then you rub it in to the people who looked down on you 'cause now, they're the losers.

So first of all, everything that i've planned to do has never happened. I mean, I was good at this you know. Planning and actually doing the work on schedule. But now, it seems like it's so hard for me to do the things that i need to do like study or what not. I don't know. It just all seems surreal to me. I'm not used to being so diligent and shit now. All i do now is procrastinate the shit out of me. I know it's not good. Damn it. Prioritize. I know. I just can't you know. My schedule doesn't suit me at all. 8am-6pm everyday. Shit. My body is just not coping up. I have slight fevers almost everyday. I think my body is immuned from biogesic 'cause i chug 4 tablets per day due to headaches and the like. I'm just not like this before. I blame my schedule. 4 hour breaks and non-stop hanging out in GP. Blech. I'm getting really tired of that place. Food sucks and the only good thing there is a place to sit while you yab. Don't judge me 'cause I've changed. Shame on you for judging me in the first place. I just don't care for your opinion.

oh look. it's my sched for next term. pfft. i am in for a treat.

my house suddenly felt like it was going to fall down on me. when i woke up, the usual migraine. then i suddenly felt like i couldn't breathe at all. seriously. i had to breathe through my fucking brown paper bag again because i was having an anxiety attack. after all the shit, i managed to calm down and to breathe normally. that was a scare. haha. no shit.

on what not: i should just stop forgetting because it's beginning to be a real pain in the ass. i don't want to feel like it's going to end because i never want it to end. the feeling of having to go through another confession is just plain hard for me. bare it all.

so where do i go now? i guess i just have to start learning because i never want to feel like i have to cry first before i realize that i'm wrong. accepting that i'm wrong is the first part. next is to really do what i have to do in order for everything to be normal. starting over is hard. so i really appreciate you being patient with everything. i just don't know how to repay you. for everything.

i made a mistake. but i'm trying really hard. never be replaced right? if you just know how much more i need to gather up the courage to fight the urge to hold back. but i realize that you compromising all the time is not fair. i don't want to end up regretting again because i was too selfish to compromise myself to the premises that bonded everything.

thank you.

savvy! haha. damn pirate talk. stuck in my putrid mind. anyway, whatever the bearing of this so-called white lie may cause another country's downfall. but whoever steps down first may be the very reason why there is such. they told me you just like the chase. now i'm telling you to run. or else your damn leg will be cut off in no time.

TOO WRONG TO GO BACK TO YOU.

i may say to you that i'm fine, but reality crashes like a tidal wave. i told you: this can't be the end. forever? i hope so. i never wanted to be a part of your life. frack you. i'm moving slowly because i'm laying low. i'm telling you for the last time, it may all seem fine but what you did was just fucking low. all of it. so to give you respect is really hard for me because no matter how long we've known each other, there's this big gap between us now. you made that happen, not me, remember that. but as always, i can't find it in me to be mad at you for the longest of time. so to see you again is just hard because i never knew what happened. i have no idea until now. so if you tell me i'm ebing unfair to you, that's a bunch of bull. leaving me hanging is worse than anything you did. but forget it, i never wanted to know what happen anyway. waste of time.

i saw the light now. i don't need you fracker.